i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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