why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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