I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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