happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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