just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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