is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
