Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I want is dick and wine.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
