Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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