fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
