If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
