i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
