And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
