When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
