sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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