He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
