3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
