A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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