I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
