She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
