This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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