i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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