You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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