The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
