He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
