So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
