Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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