Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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