is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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