We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
