The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
