ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
