do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
