Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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