so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
