I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
