sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I need to sanitize my soul.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???