i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
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Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
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Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.