I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
