Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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