So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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