dude i'm inner monologue high
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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