I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
