Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
