you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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