I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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