so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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