I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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