I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
