Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
