dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
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Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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