i permit you to call me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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