I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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