May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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