I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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