actually, I'm a sock model
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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