This dress was meant to end up on your floor
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
